JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
