I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
