All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
