I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
that may or may not have been my penis.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
