Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
