the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
