what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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