I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
