I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
