i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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