i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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