I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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