My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
