I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is it because I queefed?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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