you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
