Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
