I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
