In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
