I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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