She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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