I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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