I'm gonna have a badass scar
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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