I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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