After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
