Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
