I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
