I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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