Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
