Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
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First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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