Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize