i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
