I just threw up on my dentist
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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