you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
