You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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