she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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