upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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