and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let's get the cat blown out
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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