At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
