I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
