Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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