your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
17 year olds will be the death of me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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