I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
