Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
