your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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