I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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