Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
