Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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