a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is