Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.