fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
