oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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