you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
