I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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