we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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