I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
