ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
