she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
