I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
