Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
