The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
